Hi there. My name's Mark Johnston. Welcome to my world. The first thing that I need to do is clear up this whole "us" business. Because despite the occasional reference to "us" and "we" in the descriptions (that’s the "royal we" as The Dude would say) the truth of the matter is that 99.999 percent of everything having to do with the Shocking Videos Worldwide Empire is handled, controlled, dealt with, micro-managed and more or less springs forth in toto from the fevered and furrowed brow of yours truly. Thank you. Thank you very much. Brand new Cadillac.

That’s right. It's just li'I ol' me here. The man behind the curtain as it were, I find the movies, I do the research, I write (most of) the reviews, I make the discs, I process the charges, I package the orders, I answer the e-mails and, in my spare time, I write the songs that make the whole world sing. Oh yeah, and I put this website together too. Take it from me (Me! Me! Me!), megalomania truly is its own reward. Not only do I not have anyone telling me what to do, but I don't have to tell anyone else what to do either! Of course, I do tend to stretch myself a bit thin at times and don’t always get those all-important four hours of sleep every night. So in the rare event that your order takes a wee bit longer to reach you than expected, or if it so happens that I don’t answer your e-mail quite as promptly as you'd like well, please try to bear with me, okay?

Don't get me wrong, a little help WOULD come in handy now and then. But you know what? Employees are a drag, man. They come in late, leave early, do as little as they think they can get away with and expect, hell, demand a raise if they successfully avoid getting fired for six months running. I ought to know, I used to be one. And when I wasn't an employee I was in "middle management" which is kind of like being head trustee at the honor farm. Sure there are some perks, but you're still in jail, dude. You still have to answer to The Man. Or to put it another way and a little (okay, a LOT) more graphically, being in middle management is like being a heterosexual male caught in the wrong kind of three-way: Any pleasure derived from getting your wick dipped is more than offset by that dick pounding away in your ass.

Now, in case you're worried that I'm going to peter out on you (sorry, poor choice of phrase considering that last paragraph) or pull a disappearing act, all I can say is: Don't. I've been doing all of this single-handedly for over a decade now, have filled literally thousands of orders and am still going strong. I will continue to provide this service for as long as it's needed and appreciated which, judging from the response I get will be for a long time to come. I'm young (sorta), I'm healthy and goddamn it, I feel GOOD! All I ask is that you give me the 4 - 6 weeks necessary to get your stuff done and out to you and if at all possible to please, PLEASE try to refrain from sending me e-mails "checking on the status" of your order. Trust me, it's here, I'm working on it, you'll get it and you'll like it or your money back. No horseshit, Jack? No horseshit, Wang. Now get out there and BUY SOME MOVIES, SOLDIER!

Your Friend in Film,

Mark

Mark Johnston